By: Haim Amit
Educational Psychologist, Certified Family therapist, Organizational Consultant
Author of the books: Confident Parenting, Modan, 2012.
Parents as Leaders, Modan, 2006. & Parents as Humans, Sifriat Poalim, 1997
How to find space and time for ourselves within the boundaries of parenting?
Why are we so insecure in our parenting?
What do we lose and what do we gain in our parenting?
This is a book about parents and not about children!
The book describes, with great sympathy and sensitivity, processes that parents undergo when they bring up their children – the frustrations and pleasures, the fears and beliefs, the inner conflicts and agreements, the guilt feelings and the satisfaction, and so much more.
The parenting distress in the modern era requires of the parents, now more than ever, a development of learning and growing processes. In order for the parents to trust their children and encourage them to develop independently, they should first learn how to trust themselves.
In order for the parents to be able to safely set suitable boundaries for their children, they should be confident of themselves and their position in the family. And the most important of all – In order for people to succeed in being “Good” parents, they should first feel good themselves!
Haim Amit was born in Israel in 1952. He is married with three children. An Educational Psychologist by profession, he is a certified family therapist and Head of the Parenting and Family Center at the Seminar Hakibutzim College in Tel Aviv.
The book is based upon the writer’s rich experience in working with parents and their families in different settings, and upon his experiences in his own family.
In a personal style, fascinating and sincere, he addresses a wide audience: parents and parents-to-be, young parents and “seasoned” parents, people in the field of education, parenting and family, psychology, social work, and so on.
Table of Contents:
Chapter One: The Timing Paradox - 13
Maybe we could start with the third child?
Chapter Two: Parenting Distress in the Modern Era - 24
Why, in spite of our knowledge, are we so insecure in our parenting?
Chapter Three: The Parent, too, is in the Center - 38
Give myself a central place in the family
Chapter Four: The Conflict of Loyalty - 60
Who to respond to? To the child’s needs or to the parent’s needs?
Chapter Five: The Damages of Love - 75
Chapter Six: Self – Awareness in Parenting - 90
I can listen to my child only after I can listen to myself
Chapter Seven: The Paradox of influence - 109
Personal losses and gains in parenting
Chapter Eight: Parents, too, develop - 149
Chapter Nine:The Paradox of Separation – 167
Coming closer to the children and separating from them, all at the same time
Chapter Ten: Parents as Human Beings - Why is it important? – 188
A quotation from Chapter Four – The Conflict of Loyalty:
“Before the child is born, nobody knows that he – the child – is the world.
When the woman and/or the man want or need a child, they want it for themselves. But from the moment of birth, there is a total change. They themselves turn into “for…”. Their “self” becomes trivial and secondary. Here lies the catch – parents bring children into the world to satisfy their own needs, but the loyalty to the child’s needs requires very often that they ignore their own. A man chooses, out of pure egotism, to bring a child into the world, and he expects the child to fulfill his desires and bring joy and happiness into his life.
And yet, from the moment the child comes into this world, the parent is often required to give up his personal satisfaction. He is expected to be ready for all the sorrow and pain, frustration and worry, which accompany the bringing up of a child. Immediately after the child is born, the parent finds out that, from now to the end of his mortal days, he is no longer free to consider only his own needs. He should bring into consideration the needs of another person, and most of the time they should take priority over his own needs. Naturally, a conflict will arise: How can you cater for the needs of another, all the time, without being able to do anything for yourself? As we have seen in the previous chapter, it is neither possible nor advisable for the parents to ignore their personal needs. And yet, when one ignores the needs of a child, especially a baby, one is immediately filled with guilt feelings. So, in our daily life, the decision is not simple, and this is the loyalty conflict in parenting – what to respond to, the child’s needs or the parent’s needs? At almost any given moment in parenting, a decision has to be made – should we follow the child’s needs, as one impulse would instruct us, or should we follow the parent’s needs, as another impulse would say”.
Retrieved 06/26/2017 from Amit @ Ein-Hahoresh http://amithaim.com/en/2012/01/28/parents-as-human-being-parents-who-feel-good-by-haim-amit-about-the-book/