Moving Slowly, Arriving Fast – Proper Separation of Families from Chapter A and Appropriate Connection to Chapter B
Written by Haim Amit
Educational Psychologist, Certified Family Therapist, and Organizational Consultant.
In this article, I would like to propose a therapeutic tool, a practical therapeutic principle, for effectively dealing with the main problem that, in my opinion, underlies the failures of families to connect in Chapter B of life. And the problem is the relative haste of the couple and parents in the process: they are too quick to say goodbye to Chapter A and too quick to connect to Chapter B. The therapeutic tool I propose to deal with this problem is simple, although not easy to implement: to guide the adults in the family, the couple and the parents, to slowly progress on their way to Chapter B. In practical terms, this means helping the couple to say goodbye correctly to Chapter A, without shortcuts, and to help them connect correctly to Chapter B, also without shortcuts. I will briefly present the problem and my detailed proposal for effectively dealing with it, with a number of practical tips.
The Problem: The Adults in Chapter A Families Rush to Connect the Families in Chapter B
It is true that there are amazing cases of families that manage to connect well in Chapter B, to grow and develop over time, with good relationships between the adults and the children. But we all know many cases of families that do not succeed in doing so. Did you know that the failure rate in first marriages is about 41%, in second marriages it is about 60%, and in the third round it reaches about 73%? And this is still a missing statistic, since in a large part of the cases, couples in Chapter B live together without marriage. Therefore, if they were also count the cases of families that try to connect in Chapter B and do not reach the point of realization, say after a year or two of living together without marriage, the number of failures in Chapter B would be much greater. Incidentally, one of the estimates of researchers who have studied complex families over the years is that if a complex family stays together for six years, it is most likely not to break up in the future.
There are certainly many reasons for the great difficulty of complex families to endure over time. I argue here that one of the main reasons for the lack of success of Chapter 2 families in connecting together is that the adults in the families – the spouses, the parents – are in a hurry. They are rushed, and therefore they make many mistakes that could have been avoided with a little forethought. Since this is a very practical and obvious reason, it also allows for relatively simple and effective coping.
Although people usually reach Chapter 2 when they are older and more experienced, they often have a sense of time pressure precisely because of their older age. Perhaps because they feel a desire to make up for “misses,” losses, or wounds in Chapter 1. Perhaps because they trust their life experience and maturity, and believe that everything will be fine. And this is of course a mistake. Chapter 2 in life is fundamentally different from Chapter 1, even though they seem very similar. In Chapter 1 of life, we gradually become familiar with the new tasks we have to deal with – a relationship, parenting a first child, parenting multiple children – and we have a reasonable amount of time to improve and correct mistakes, if we know how to use the time and learn, of course. We can spend time getting to know each other, learning to live as a couple, before we bring a child into the world. Mistakes made in raising the first child, and who doesn’t make such mistakes, can be tried to be corrected in raising the other children, although of course we will make new mistakes… On the other hand, in Chapter 2 of life, we must deal with many new problems at once, some of which we were not at all trained to deal with: comparisons with previous partners and difficulty saying goodbye to life in Chapter 1; the need to quickly adapt to life with unfamiliar people, who are mainly the partner’s children but also the partner’s relatives, who are often even hostile to the new relationship; entering into a new, undefined role – a non-biological parent; Sharp disagreements with the spouse, who usually has experience and an opinion in raising children, regarding raising the joint children, if any; new financial issues such as separate or joint accounts; and more. Mistakes in the process may be critical, because the sensitivity is very high, everyone's vulnerability is great, and there is no time to learn and correct mistakes.
The therapeutic tool: Do not rush. Say goodbye to Chapter A correctly, without shortcuts, and connect correctly to Chapter B, without shortcuts either.
In order for the transition to Chapter B in life to be carried out well, the spouse and their children must perform two complex movements in a coordinated and slow manner: say goodbye to Chapter A properly and adapt successfully to Chapter B. In my opinion, this simple therapeutic guideline alone can greatly assist family leaders, spouses, and parents in improving the complex transition from Chapter A to Chapter B. The therapist's explicit encouragement and legitimization to move slowly through the process will ultimately help family members quickly reach the desired goal: a good life together in Chapter 2. Beyond that, I want to offer you five tips, five simple practical advice, that will guide family leaders, spouses, and parents to properly carry out the separation from Chapter 1 and the connection to Chapter 2, in the spirit of the principle of slowing down that I presented.
Don't rush to separate from Chapter 1
One of the important principles in therapy is "the past operating in the present," meaning that matters that were not properly handled in the past, developmental tasks that we avoided dealing with, will appear pathologically in the present, making it difficult to adapt and grow. Couples who rush to separate from Chapter 1, without allowing themselves to process the pain and sorrow involved in the separation crisis, without giving themselves serious accountability for their part in the crisis, will have difficulty successfully entering Chapter 2. Feelings of guilt, anger, and unprocessed longing from Chapter 1 will interfere destructively in Chapter 2 if we are too quick to put the past behind us, without properly processing it. Therefore, it is important not to pounce on the "bargain" of Chapter 2 as if we were escaping from a disaster zone to a safe haven, but to proceed in a balanced manner that respects what we experienced and were in Chapter 1.
Do not demand that children quickly say goodbye to Chapter 1
When parents are too hasty, they also demand that their children quickly say goodbye to Chapter 1 in their lives. "Why do you have to worry so much about why I want to get a divorce/ why we can't continue living together/ why I don't love Dad anymore/ why we don't try harder not to break up the family. It's over, it's over, we move on." It is important to give children time to process the experience of separation, which for them is a tremendous emotional collapse, the collapse of an entire world, Usually without any sense of control. It is important to understand that even when the relationship between the separated parents is seemingly normal, the children in the family are experiencing a severe crisis. Moreover, precisely in cases where everything seems to be fine in the family, for example, there are no open quarrels, it is more difficult for children to accept the change, the separation. From the children's perspective, there is no reason for divorce in a family where the relationship between the parents seems to be without problems, and their anger at the parents is increasing. In many cases that I have treated, it is a shock that the children experience, which increases their sense of lack of control over the situation, even if they are adults.
Of course, in cases of widowhood, when the death of the other parent comes suddenly, it is especially important not to rush with the children to move on to the daily routine, to function as if everything is normal. While it is important to maintain the child's normal routine, it is not permissible to demand that he or she quickly forget about life with the deceased parent.
Do not rush to reunite the families
When the couple hastened their path, they announce to their children the good news of life together without proper preparation. They do not share the process they went through on the way to making the decision, do not explain to them the hesitations surrounding the decision, do not listen to their feelings and do not give room to the anxieties that arise in them. And there are many worries: Is my place in the new family guaranteed? Will my parent continue to love him or will he prefer the partner's children? Will I stay in the same room? And more. And there is also a lot of anger: disrupting my routine, deteriorating my quality of life, demanding that I be considerate of children I do not know and perhaps do not even like, and more.
Shortcuts should be avoided and children should be given time to adapt to the family process. It is recommended that they be allowed to gradually get to know their partner and their children. Later, it is worth explaining to them the reasons for their personal decision to call a new partner and describe to them what is about to happen in as much detail as possible. Parents must be prepared to hear reservations, criticisms, objections, etc. and deal with them directly and sympathetically.
Don't rush to become parents of your partner's children
Sometimes couples come up with a fantasy of restoring, repairing, and rebuilding the family they failed to build in their first marriage. Therefore, they want to quickly function as a parent, for better or worse, for their partner's children as well – loving, setting boundaries, obeying, providing, etc. Sometimes, they are simply used to being in the role of parent, especially mothers, and they fail to make the necessary separation between parenting their own child and parenting their partner's child.
Even when a partner is not trying to be the parent of the other partner's children, they may interfere inappropriately in the education of their children. The interference can be expressed indirectly in constant criticism of the partner regarding the children's education, but also directly by giving instructions, preaching morality, threats, etc. to children who are not their own.
The principle that should, in my opinion, guide the couple in their relationships with their partner's children, in the initial stage of living together, is to act in a family that is more connected as people and less as parents. They are allowed to set personal boundaries ("I don't want you to talk to me like that"), to adhere to the house rules that are established together ("As we have determined, we will not be disturbed at lunchtime") and it is certainly permissible and advisable to support and encourage the partner's children. However, it is advisable to avoid as much as possible unnecessary intervention in their upbringing (for example, achievement in school, education in values, etc.). In another way, although sweeping but generally correct, it can be determined that in everything related to duties and discipline, the biological parents must play the role of the "bad" parent, while the stepparents will act as the "good" parent.
Do not demand that the children quickly accept the partner's parenting
An important part of the fantasy of creating a happy new family in Chapter 2 is the desire for my children to treat my partner as a new parent. Therefore, parents may pressure their children to quickly treat their partner as a new parent. Sometimes they may even create, consciously or unconsciously, competition between their partner and the biological parent as to who is the better parent for the children. The initial ambivalence that stepparents feel towards stepchildren is usually mutual, and the children may exacerbate the situation and respond not only with distance and indifference, but with open hostility.
Sometimes a quick and good bond is formed between the children and the new partner. Often, it takes longer for this to happen. You must be patient and understand that children have a basic survival need to adapt, provided that they are not pressured. There may not be any love at all between the children and the partner, but only a relationship of trust and respect, and that is enough.
Do not demand that children quickly become good friends
Just as parents pressure their children to quickly love their partner, they pressure them, even more, to quickly connect and become good friends with the other parent's children. It is necessary to recognize the unpleasant reality that even several years of nurturing sibling relationships are not always enough to achieve true friendship between your-mine-our children. Many children cannot tolerate the company of step-siblings or half-siblings and are unable to overcome their rejection of them. Others achieve friendly but cool relationships and never progress beyond that. It is especially important not to push too hard when moving into a family home together. The newcomers will always feel a bit of an intruder and the old-timers will always feel like they have invaded their home. These feelings must be respected, not pushed, and progress consistently in the children's friendship processes (initiating joint activities, encouraging interdependence, etc.) but without demanding quick results of friendship.
Summary: Go slowly, get there quickly
The principle of slow movement is not new. The benefits of eating slowly during a leisurely meal are well-known. The harm of speed caused by medical staff who pace themselves for three minutes for an examination is also well-known. As parents, we have excellent opportunities to teach our children slow and steady movements, but we miss these opportunities when we put them on a path of constant, unrelenting activity at an early age, fearing that they will get bored.
When it comes to the sensitive and delicate process of writing Chapter Two in the lives of families, of connecting separate families into a complex family, the principle of slowness is not just a matter of nice to have, but is a psychological necessity, a must to have. A careful and sensitive process of appropriately parting from Chapter One in life and slowly entering Chapter Two in life is essential for successful coping by individuals and less with the challenges of Chapter Two in life.
For the original article in Hebrew, click here
